I could forgive them if this was made in the 90's.

The Movie: Stone Cold, directed by Robert Harmon
Recommendation: Dee
Reason: "Tom Selleck TV movie!"

When I watched this, I had to assume that it was made in the mid to late 90's. It was pretty bad, even by those standards, but at least it would have fit there. Unfortunately, it was made in 2005. That's just wrong. Mimi Rogers and Tom Selleck shouldn't be working anymore. I thought she was going to break a hip when she...(oh god, I can't think about it again) sat erotically on his lap. Excuse me, I need to bleach my brain.

My hatred of Mimi Rogers aside (you and Tea Leoni ruined X-Files, bitches!), this just really wasn't a great movie. If you're going to create an homage to noir, or attempt to mimic anything about the noir genre, please put in some effort. A hard drinking lead and some blinds do not cut the mustard. It helps to have villains who don't look like yuppies who've overdosed on their Xanax prescriptions and are about as menacing as a jelly bracelet. Also, the femme fatale should not be pushing sixty and looking seventy.

While we're at it, your script should have good dialogue, and it may be a good idea to pick up some actors who are familiar with the term 'acting'. Looking bored and delivering your lines with vague disinterest isn't 'acting', it's 'phoning it in for a paycheck'. Don't watch TV movies, guys. It's really not a good place to be.

-82/365 down, 283/365 to go