They frickin' fly!

The Movie: The Cave, directed by Bruce Hunt
Recommendation: Dee
Reason: "It's this or Dukes of Hazzard."

Almost everything that's wrong with this movie can be summed up by the incessant lack of cursing on the part of the supposedly very experienced, very X-TREME!!! dive/cave exploration team. When a monster that seems to have come from hell itself is swooping towards you, intent on tearing you limb from limb, most people I know would be cursing their head ff. At least until the creature ripped their head off. It was one more black mark against this generically lame horror/action movie (which was problem #2: Horror movies should not be shot like action movies). It's a telling sign when I never learn character's names, and instead refer to them by their archetypical role throughout the movie ("What is Leader-Man doing now?" "Wow, Grrrl-Power-Girl is stupid." etc.).

This was supposed to be a creature movie, and when your creature is a bunch of wings, claws and fangs, it gets a little lame. It's also fairly lame to repeat the same 'fate' over and over again, as character after character gets dragged off through what appeared to be the same crack in the wall to an uncertain fate. I was cheered by the presence of the Shrieking Eels from The Princess Bride, even if it was unintentional. And I'm not sure if there's an answer to this, but what is up with the idiocy of horror movie characters lately? I mean it, seriously, these people should not be going anywhere with anyone, much less leading expeditions into caves or accompanying their families on strange shortcuts into radioactive mutant country. Yes, I am drawing a parallel between The Cave and The Hills Have Eyes. There is a scene in The Cave in which Leader-Man's Spirited Younger Brother chases after a cohort who has been abducted by the creatures. He finds his cohort IMPALED TO THE CEILING...and proceeds to sob about trying to save him. The man had multiple stalactites through his body cavity. He is dead. Either give him mercy or leave like a coward before you get et. It reminded me of the infuriating sequence in The Hills Have Eyes when the father is set on fire on what is obviously a HUGE pyre that there is no possible way he could have built and immolated himself on all by his lonesome, and the other two menfolk spend an extensive amount of time trying to put out the pyre that is taller than they are (without water, buckets or any sort of firefighting equipment). I love my father, but if I was lost in the freaking desert and all of a sudden he showed up burning to death on a pyre, I would be watching for mutants.

Anyway. Back to The Cave. The end of the movie is lame and predictable. As expected, it leaves room for a sequel, though why anyone would bother...oh wait, this is the same Hollywood that made a sequel to Anaconda. I'm sure it'll be in theaters soon, though the lack of listing on iMDB gives hope. Compared to last year's other 'people in a cave ohgod what was that' movie, The Descent, well...five women who seemed at least moderately intelligent and experienced win over an entire team of morons any day. Sorry Jin from LOST.

-24/365 down, 341/365 to go